I feel like “stuck in a rut” implies that one is actually trying to get out of the rut–spinning wheels, back and forth, some kind of effort to move. I’m pretty sure I’m just sitting complacently in my rut, looking around and wondering when the tow truck will arrive.
I spend time idly clicking and flipping through other peoples’ lives. They look like they’re having fun. They look like they don’t struggle with getting the laundry done. They look happy.
Nothing to do with anything — just pretty and cheery and bright.
Most of the time I ignore the phone when it rings. I have a hard time even remembering to respond to emails, lately. I want to stay indoors and not have to talk to anyone, but I’m bored. I can’t sit through a whole movie anymore without wanting to pick up my phone and multitask, but what can I really do with pixels on a screen? I’m behind on wedding tasks that involve anything beyond clicking “BUY.” I’ve been intending to clean my closet for two months. I don’t know how to hit reset.
Part of it is physical. I’m not taking very good care of myself and I feel sick a lot, lately. It’s hard to have fun when you feel nauseated and it’s harder to have fun if you think people don’t believe you’re really ill. I need to work up the motivation to push past the sickness and eat well and get moving so I can break out of the cycle and start feeling good again. I have a bicycle and a fitness trail that starts two minutes from my front door. I have perfectly good feet and I like walking. I just don’t want to get off the couch.
Around the house, I feel like I have too much stuff. When I try to clean up I feel as if I’m just shuffling piles around. And then I fall down the why buy furniture when we’re guaranteed to just have to move it anyway hole. Everything does have its place, for the most part, but it’s sometimes hard to find.
Little things bring me joy; a coffee brought to me in bed, funny pictures of my niece texted to my phone, the cats’ shock at discovering we have a basement. It’s not all doom and gloom and lazy sadness.
The solution, I think, is to just be aware of my actions as I’m taking them. It’s kind of silly to complain that I’m bored while complaining that I’m antisocial in the same breath (by the way, my apologies to all the people I’ve flaked out on over the past little while). If I think I should be doing something other than what I’m currently doing, well, why am I not doing it?
So today, I came home and I started doing some laundry. I made the basement laundry area slightly less terrifying, and I cleared off the upstairs dresser. I took a look at my bank account, I tackled the dust bunnies in the office, I brought a bunch of random stuff downstairs, and I helped make dinner. I could have done more, but I did a bit.
Tomorrow I’ll do more laundry. I’ll set aside clothes to give away or get rid of. I’ll clean up the cats’ area in the office. I’ll write a bit. I’ll tidy a bit. And then the rest of it might feel a bit less mind-numbing, if I can manage a bit of productivity.
How do you stay motivated?