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The Birth We’ll Have (Not Necessarily The Birth We Want)

Greetings from snowy Winnipeg!

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To make a long, convoluted story a little bit shorter…

I went into pregnancy as a fairly normal, low-risk case. Shortly after I switched into the care of the doctor who was originally going to deliver the baby (because prior to that I was seeing a family doctor who does not deliver babies), we talked about a vaginal birth after cesarean (VBAC) versus a repeat C-section. I was nervous about a VBAC but wanted to try, and after ticking all the right checkboxes — not planning to have sixteen kids,

Wake Up

If the children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We’re just a million little gods causin’ rain storms,
turnin’ every good thing to rust.
I guess we’ll just have to adjust.

Candles

It’s Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. We will be lighting three candles at 7 p.m., joining in the ‘wave of light’ spanning the globe.

I don’t think I can say much more about the hows — sharing this experience has been a large part of my healing,

What We Need the Second Time Around

I’ve heard from a few people that the second baby is easier than the first (although I’ve also heard that two is insanely harder than one, but once you have three you may as well just keep having them…). I really have no idea if this is true or false, but I do know that I now possess knowledge about things that were an utter mystery, before.

I can’t predict the future, and all babies (and people!) are different, but I feel like I have some understanding of the gear situation, whereas the first time around I kind of floundered.

Capture Your Grief

October is Pregnancy, Infant and Child Loss Awareness Month, and this year I’ve decided to follow along with the Capture Your Grief project as best I can. This season feels a bit heavy to me — last year it was our entry into several heartbreaking months, and this year it’s marking another transition, into the last stretch of time before we welcome this rainbow baby home.

Storytelling and sharing has been part of my own healing since the start, so I like the format of this project, although as always, this kind of thing does leave me feeling a bit vulnerable.

Entering into the Third Trimester

This poor kid already has a bit of second-child syndrome — I wrote something every single week when I was pregnant with M, but with this guy, last week and suddenly realized I had hit 28 weeks. While that first trimester crawled slowly by, inch by inch of anxiety, the second trimester whooshed past me like the rest of summer did, and here I am with under three months to go.

At 28 weeks and a bit, I’m mostly feeling okay. Tired is my usual answer when people ask, and truthfully, I cannot believe how cumbersome my body feels already.

Treat Yo’self: Prenatal Massage

We have some fairly awesome benefits thanks to Matt’s job, benefits which we didn’t have when I was pregnant with M. At my second-last prenatal appointment I asked the doctor to write me a prescription for massage therapy, which she did immediately, so now I’ve got an Rx that will last for a year. I booked a prenatal massage despite not feeling like I really needed it — within the two or three weeks that spanned between setting it up and going in, I definitely needed it.

With M, my lower right back hurt a lot on days when I was really active and I’m finding the same,