I can’t believe I’m in the second trimester but — I’m in the second trimester!
I found out earlier than some people would, because I can’t resist testing, and I’ve gotten pretty good at reading my body to know when I may be pregnant. I wasn’t shocked by the positive result but it didn’t really sink in until two or three days later — I just shut my mind off of that topic and tried to think about other things. I had cramping and backaches, both terrifying and all too common. I was on and off nauseous, could barely choke down breakfast one day, and generally had that blergh-y feeling that alerts me to pregnancy.
As the week went on I became more and more anxious and started down the “what if this sticks/what if this doesn’t stick” path.
Welcome to anxiety city. Still with the cramps, the backaches and the twinges, and the occasional nausea. I could not cook food very well — every time I tried to make dinner I felt shaky and sick. And on top of that I was not really hungry this week. Nothing sounded super appetizing, so I had to instruct Matt to just put food in front of me so I’d eat something. I had a bit of bloating but nothing major, some fatigue, and general malaise.
I struggled really hard with my thoughts this week. We bypassed the timing of two previous losses but were still within the window of one, and the further along we got, the more I worried — how much more would it suck to think things would be okay and THEN lose the pregnancy? Every night I went to bed thinking that it would be all over the next morning. I constantly scanned for blood when using the bathroom. Each day further was relieving, but terrifying, too. Then I started thinking about how horrible it would be to get to an ultrasound and find out I had a missed miscarriage. Pregnancy after loss is extremely difficult.
At the start of the week I was waiting for nausea to kick in — give me something, anything to feel like I am actually pregnant. Halfway through the week I had my request answered. It was hard to navigate the nausea, which kicked in hard. I felt like a pretty terrible mom and wife, and had very little energy to do anything. Matt made all of our food and did bedtime routine, and I laid in bed a lot. I ordered Unisom and B6 from Amazon and waited for it to come in.
Toward the end of that week I had a consultation with an OB/GYN in Thunder Bay, through telemedicine. It was supposed to be my intake for repeat loss, but when I told him I thought I was pregnant he quickly switched gears and ordered me serial beta tests (to ensure the hormone indicating fetal growth was increasing properly), a genetics referral, and an ultrasound. He planned to follow up with me in a month’s time. I felt like things were suddenly moving quickly, and was grateful to be under someone’s care.
We heard the heartbeat at the ultrasound that day, which was awesome. I got progressively more nauseous, which was not awesome. Genetics called me the day after the telemedicine appointment, which was also awesome! So I felt like I was winning even though I was horrendously sick.
Still ragingly ill. I am desperately awaiting my Unisom to arrive from the USA (Canada doesn’t sell the right kind). I’m booked in for another ultrasound when I’m 6+4 by the previous ultrasound’s dating — the doctor who ordered it isn’t my family doctor or the OB/GYN which is confusing, but the results are good. I’m measuring at 7 weeks this time with a heartbeat reading at 115 bpm.
The week goes by pretty quickly. I find out I have another ultrasound ordered and just when I’m freaking out a bit the clinic calls and explains it’s a normal thing the radiologist does with early scans, and there’s nothing to worry about (and the random doctor order was because she was filling in for my family doctor). I’m a bit anxious still, but ok.
My skin looks like shit. That’s readily apparent to me. I also look sick and tired no matter what — half the closer friends and acquaintances I encounter around town ask me if I’m feeling ok. I tell them no but don’t expand on that at all. My nausea is slightly under control with ginger Gravol and B6, but I’m still feeling hungry and queasy a lot. My bloating has calmed down, though, and I can eat a few healthier things again.
I have reflux like mad. Every night it’s hard to go to sleep because it feels like there’s fire in my throat and stomach. I’m eating Tums like candy and Matt has propped up the head of the bed on blocks, but nothing seems to be helping.
I’m also seriously craving random foods. With M I had a lot of aversions — this time I’m like, I need that specific thing, NOW. This week it’s a taco from the sandwich place in town. It is so, so good, and all I want for dinner is another taco, but it’s a sporadic special at that place so I can’t go get another one. I want one, just typing about this. The words “awesome taco” are in my iPhone notes.
At 7+1 I am weirdly not sick and kind of crampy. It’s stressful. I see my doctor at 7+4 and she tells me I need an ultrasound because the heart rate from the last ultrasound is too low. I spend the next two days frantically Googling and convincing myself that things are going badly (the stats on a heartbeat less than 120 bpm are… not good). But the scan at 7+6 shows growth and a heart rate of 147 bpm, which seems to be right in range. It’s a huge relief. I also find out I have a posterior placenta this time which hopefully means it won’t take as long to feel movement!
I feel like I can breathe a bit, now. The stats generally say that a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks is a great indicator for pregnancy, and the odds of miscarriage are essentially as low as they’re going to get within the first trimester. I know better than to put my full faith in stats, but at least a small part of me can relax.
This is the week I gain a new symptom — throwing up. I hate throwing up. It’s as fun as it sounds. Luckily it isn’t an all day every day thing, but it’s happening and I don’t like it. Plus, by around 6 p.m. every night I am hopelessly ill. I’m also really tired — I can take a three hour afternoon nap and then fall asleep at 8 p.m. no problem, and wake up tired 10 hours later. At night I feel full and bloated, and uncomfortable.
Sometime this week, M apparently goes around to all of her daycare teachers and announces that I have a baby in my belly, which sends me into a panic attack when Matt tells me — I do not want the news out. But it’s too late, and after a few quiet congratulations they shut the door on the subject which is good.
This is a mostly-quiet week. I have some cramps and backache during the latter half, which always stresses me out, but other than that things are going the same. I’m sick a lot, especially at night, and it’s wearing on me. I hear the heartbeat once on a doppler, then can’t find it and am anxious for a few days, then find it again and am able to breathe again. My emotions are all over the place, I’m tired, and I’m starting to get that ‘are we done with this first trimester BS?’ feeling.
We head to Winnipeg for the first part of this week, and I’m worried about travelling while feeling awful but it goes mostly well. It’s hard to try to sleep early when we’re all sharing a hotel room, but that’s the worst of it. My nausea stays mostly under control and I’m able to rest at night when I’m not feeling good. Weirdly, the moment we arrive home I throw up for the first time all week — maybe it’s the house?
I spend the rest of the week bloated and uncomfortable. I feel bad complaining about it, but man, I cannot get myself to feel better, especially when I’m trying to sleep.
Feeling calmer, emotionally. We start telling family and the rest of the need-to-know people… my belly is already getting to the point that hiding it is futile, so as much as I hate being the centre of attention, it makes sense to get the news out. Plus Matt’s coworkers are apparently starting to think he’s really weird for never having time to do anything because his wife is always in bed, and I think there are a few people wondering if I have the plague.
This is a stressful week for outside reasons. The bright point/scary point is letting the entire world in on the secret! I’m having some stomach issues — bloated to the point that it’s hard to sleep sometimes. That’s probably the worst of it, this week. I manage to stay up late and walk around endlessly during my Relay for Life volunteer stint and pay for it dearly the next day, being sore all over. I get my hands on some legit Diclectin this week, and it seems to work better than the b12 + Unisom trick. That, or my nausea is slowly, slowly letting up on its own.
I *think* I start feeling movement this week, just ever so slightly, and it continues to be noticeable.
I’m getting some energy back during the day, during the first part of the week, but as I near 14 weeks I am exhausted all the time. Seriously bone tired. But when I try to nap during the day, I can’t.
On the upside, I’m capable of cooking and eating real food again! And I’m visibly pregnant, at least to my eyes:
Anxiety rears its head this week after hearing a lot of late loss stories. It’s still hard to navigate pregnancy after loss, even as I get further along. Hitting 14 weeks feels like a good milestone, though.